Letter to my Daughter-

My dear Hai Ping.

Three years ago this week I became your mother. At least on paper because I believe God had you planned in my heart long before. 

You challenge me my dear. You challenge my mind, my spirit and my patience in every way almost everyday. Without you there would hardly be a  me. For you have taught me more about love and myself in three years than in my full life before you. You have touched others with your determination and will to learn. You have touched the core  of my being.

In you I see strength beyond my vocabulary. I do not know how to share the depth that you hold nor the skill to uncover it. 

I sometimes think about all you have been denied in your thirteen years....All you have been shorted....I think how tiring it must be for you day after day trying to keep up with the pace of our lives. I see you diligently working to make up for lost time. I cry in joy and in fear when I think how innocent you are even after all you have seen. 

I have never as a woman admired another more....In time you have shared things with me in a mother daughter way about your life before...How grateful I am your walls slowly come down and you tell me all that has happened. Everything you know is so far from what a young girl should. The physical and emotional pain that hardened you along the way overwhelm my heart with just the words and yet all before the age of ten you lived these things in your day. 

I so innocently believed all they told us about the beautiful baby left behind. How silly of me to think it was just that simple. No, Your story holds much deeper loss because you remember parents leaving you  behind. Memories that run through your head fill me with such pain and loss.  I can't imagine the hole it leaves in your sweet child heart. La Sa Poe a girl in the trash you were once thought to be......Your birth mother never knew the treasure she was leaving for me. 

I am disappointed in myself. My heart holds true love for you. There is no question nor could there ever be about that. However, I admit I don't know how to parent you most of the time. All of my children present me with challenges. Without them you would not be the beautiful people you are.  With you.... comes more specific challenges.....

I hope someday you will understand somehow....

I pray  you will feel the love I hold for you and have some concept of how much I want to be the best mom to you I can. I hope you see how  I am learning to grow with you ....learning together to face the challenges.

I have learned that all love is not perfect. You have taught me that love does not mean change but acceptance. You have taught me that love can be patient and kind but it does not come easily....You have taught me that real love...even in a child can and does take work. 

I feel deeply....I hurt easily....Most days you see the mom in me who loves you through homework help, teaching you boundaries, and helping you grown into the beautiful young women you are becoming. This Day I want you to know, I hide under the everyday lessons and mom position I hold.  Daughter you touch my soul. I have cried more for you, wept over your pain, have been angered by limitations put on you and fought with passion for your rights. I feel Fierce  love for you my brown eyed girl. 

So when I am at a loss on how to deal with your blank stare...when I still do not understand the words you try to speak, when my patience is lost on how to understand your needs. Please forgive me and know how much I truly care. 

Things are more  different than I ever imagined. It did not matter how many books I read on how to best be your mom. There is no blog I have found with a story like our own. There is no parenting class that fits our unique needs and no class room for a girl like you.

This last year has taught me the most.... I thought If only I could catch you up. Put you in clothes that other girls wear your age......surround you with teen age things...Everything would be fine. If only I could get you to fit the mold of what i think normal is than everything would be ok. 

I see now that there is no normal.

 You will always feel more comfortable with a coat on because you feel safe inside....so many years with out hugs you still find comfort in the weight of your coat. I promise you this year I will give you hugs and let you wear that  coat! I promise I will remember why you protect yourself with it instead of going crazy because it does not mach the social situation or the temperature.

I promise to look the other way when it comes to clothing.....I find it so utterly frustrating after three years you still have no idea what to wear on a daily basis. The boundaries of appropriate attire may never be something you understand. How could you when you wore dirty clothes shared by many and never fit at any time. I will try to embrace your difference and lesson my expectations on what i think is important in what is on your body and focus more on the soothing the heart that you hold inside. . 

I have realized that I wanted to fight for your education rights because I want to make up for all you have lost out on....all you have missed...all you deserved. By Fighting i was doing...It felt tangible and solid, If I had the books and papers and research than I could once again make a change. I can't control where you have been or what you have lived.... but if I could control this and change it than I felt I was making up for the things that have hurt you so deeply in the past. 

 I still feel anger at our system for setting limitations on children like you who had no option at a education. I feel angry that our government has set such limitations on an uneducated Chinese Orphan who came to this country adopted by a tax paying law abiding family. You have educational limitations in our public school system because the federal law does not see the beauty in your face your mind and your soul. They have forgotten a child and in all of the rules and regulations. They have limited and discriminated against you because you were born in another country, with little education and no English. They have left you behind with few options because we don't fit into a perfectly square box.

I know now that the fight for more rights for kids like you must continue but at this time our own fight is just to get through sixth grade math. I have learned through you that baby steps are not so bad and small gains bring big rewards. You teach me everyday that diligence pays off and hard work shows progress. That giving in does not mean giving up. I have learned that I can not make up for you past ....I can not change who you are.....I can not fear what could happen because of what has not happened in your thirteen years. 

You are my girl......I pray for you to feel love deeply, open your soul to happiness, feel strong and confident enough to let it shine on your face. I pray for you that you always know the love I hold for you. 

I worry about tomorrow and what the future holds for you. I worry I can not do enough for you at times....I worry you will never know how good and beautiful you are.

My dear Zhu Hai Ping. I am so thankful you are my daughter. I am so proud of how hard you work. I am so filled with love at the gift of being your mom. I am grateful that God had the Grace to share your beauty with me. I am thankful that you help teach me about the journey of love each and every day in so many ways........

I love you with all of my heart-

Your forever mom

Bully on the Bus and Balance

I woke up this morning crawled out of bed and slipped into my new Athletica supermom cape. Brushed my thick, healthy, undamaged, naturally blond hair hair and headed for the kitchen. Ahh, my morning fuel station was brewing away and as I recharged with a blast of cosmic caffeine from my very advanced system k-cup. Molly my canine sidekick greeted me with love and a look that said " Lets go! We are ready to save the day!"

My perfect and always well behaved , never sassy 6th grader was waiting for his ride to school. I told him no worries Supermom is here! I am going to take you to the bus today!

He agreed and we flew off in my minivanmobile to the bus stop two houses away (it''s still cold here in Super Johnson land). The bus pulled up and all kids loaded.....I then twirled around and powered up, climbing the steps with the speed of light, flying past all of the well behaved quiet and well mannered middle school tweens. Using my supermom vision I spotted the little villian. I once again used my supermom powers and froze all but the snot nosed troublemaker so that I would not completely embarrass my son. And then with the strength of a bear and courage of a lion I simply said. " Listen you little SHIT! If you EVER touch, talk or look at my kid again I will kick your 7th grade ass all the way back to first grade. Got it?" Then I walked off the bus, smiled with my gleaming white even teeth, petted my sidekick Molly who had been guarding the mommobile and gave a happy little honk which converted everything back to real time. My son was safe, the Bully on the Bus would knock it off and I was alone for 30 seconds more before I faced the rest of the kids back at home.

Then I realized I was still in bed and Brian's alarm was going off. The sound of the horn was not my van but his I-phone alarm beeping in my ear. Really? So this is how it goes in real life.....

I drag myself out of bed throw on yoga pants and a sweatshirt trying to escape Molly's overly excited enthusiasm at seeing humans awake after 6.5 hours of them sleeping.Pull my in desperate need of a highlight hair into a pony. Pour my coffee, wake Brian up who still is planted in bed and make lunch for five kids. Ethan runs past in boxers, yelling at me because I NEVER do laundry....Ya right. Funny. Little does he know I did four loads yesterday I just refuse to actually put it away! Mean mom. I don't put it away for a one legged Chinaman I'm certainly not going to put it way for a 12 year old who has the guts to scream at me prior to a full cup of my sacred morning beverage. Wake Brian up AGAIN and I might add I was getting yelled at for doing so. Audrey walks by in an outfit that appears to be from her orphanage back in Zhu Hai. Dirty looking sweatshirt , too tight and way too long skinny jeans. She proceeds to grunt and walk out the door to leave for school in her slippers...Wait I think those were shoes....no slippers...I don't know. I think kids her age wear slippers to school now. Whatever. Pick and choose your battles. I'm not picking that one today. Even if she does look ridiculous.

Ethan grabs my keys and demands I drive him to school......I debate....What to do....ground him or drive him....hmmmm.

Last week he shared with me that there was a mean kid on the bus who called him a "fag" and "gay" because of his long hair. Ethan's mood changed all week. His smile was gone...he was quiet. He was clearly dealing with a rotten egg. I don't care if he has long hair. I do however care that some bully is being mean to my kid! I watch The Today show, I read the news.....I don't wan't my kids to become a bully statistic. Both Brian and I were bullied at times by mean kids when we were younger. I HATE the thought of my kid hurting. The thing is I also want to preserve the old fashioned way of growing up...Letting kids learn to deal with things. Real things. Real Life.

Balance.....I need balance...it certainly was not coming in my coffee. I looked over the mean middle school mood of my own demanding prince charming and wake the other three up early so we can drive him to school.

I want to be SUPERMOM...I want to get on the bus.....and tell that mean little shit a thing or two....but I know he is reacting because of some deep rooted issue. I bet his mom is on crack, or his dad is in prison for murder. Ok, well maybe it's not that bad , maybe they are just dealing with something that sucks in life. Maybe he is just a mean kid. I don't know.

I am going to try and NOT judge him.... forgive him.

I make a stack of bagels to take along so I can feed the wolves, load up my pac in the car and head out. As we pull into the school parking lot Ethan looks over at me, smiles and say's "Thanks for the ride mom." Ahhh , worth it. Good boy. The reaction...his mood, his demands this morning are all in stress over the looming bus ride. It makes me wonder again what mean bully on the bus boy is so angry about in his life......

As I navigate my mommobile around the thousands of mud filled pot holes on the rural dirt road the middle school is surrounded by. I realize I still need balance....I can't keep driving Ethan to school everyday. I have the other kids who need to get ready and not eat in the car every morning. I need to face the issue. Help Ethan deal with the situation by calling the school and letting them know what is going on but also teach him to face his fears.

I need to balance my mom feelings with my supermom feelings. I need to balance my tires after this crappy drive. I need less creamer and more caffeine. Balance.

It's only 7:30 in the morning.......What will the rest of the day bring?

2:10 pm- Phone rings-

Ethan- "Mom, can you NOT pick me up today?"

Me- " Sure honey, but I thought you were nervous."

Ethan- "No, I want to try."

WOW!

So I'm guessing my superpowers didn't do this but maybe my SUPER PRAYERS did.

Just don't count me out of the hunt for cute supermom capes and perfect shiny healthy hair!

What

What is going on....? That is the question of the day !

Since I have not blogged in over two years I would have to write a book to catch you up to speed. The short of it is after almost three years of being Audrey's parents we can see she has some special needs. Some of which were expected when adopting a 10 year old form an international country. We knew she was going to be delayed, socially, emotionally and academically.

We were unprepared for how much.........I have a serious amount of mom guilt going on. The homestudy agency, adoption agency and all of the adoption books, blogs and websites we used to educate ourselves on this process prior to going in to it never defined the process we are walking through. No book prepares you for the raw feelings associated with everyday struggles in parenting a child especially a post-institutionalized ten year old child. You can read back on this blog to some of our first experiences with Audrey. After the first eight weeks I was honestly just to emotionally exhausted to share it all. In a way it was easier to shut down than write and remember. At the six month mark you can read back to see that I saw the light.....and remembered the purpose.

From the beginning we have made mistakes. I have made mistakes. I can't blame Brian...He trusts me to the "research" for the most part. I wish I would have know then What I do now........

We took what is called the "wait and see" approach". In all honesty it was all we knew to do. We waited for Audrey to acclimate to her life here. We waited to see how much language she acquired and we waited to see how she did academically. The whole time using optimism as our friend. We sat by and watched.....so I don't sound like we are completely lazy you have to know that time and attention were and are put into everything we did with her. Love, structure, repetition, discipline, patience and amazing teachers play a HUGE role in the success we have with Audrey today. Waiting and seeing does not include evaluation of your adopted child in her native language. We did not evaluate her. We should have.

Had we evaluated her I know in my mother of five heart that all of her delays would have been very clear and evident. Had we evaluated her We would have immediately seen the cognitive level she was at. It would not have changed our love for her...it would have changed how we parent her. It would have changed how we placed her...how she is educated. It would have made us help others realize right from the start that she was not "just" an English Language Learner (ELL). The school psychologist loves to give us the stats on English Language learners....5-7 years before they catch up...However she forgets to mention that most ELL students come from an environment where they have prior knowledge in their native language to compare and contrast information. Audrey lacks that schema. She lacks a strong prior language. I of course don't have a way to prove that......no school records for our orphan daughter.

If I have one tiny bit of wisdom for any parent adopting internationally at any age it is to have them immediately evaluated in their first language. With this information you can move forward.

We have been stuck.......without an early eval on Audrey she has been "only" an ELL student and unable to get the much much needed Special education services that would so greatly benefit and impact her life in a positive way.

Currently Audrey is emotionally/socially "unaged" meaning in someways she is like a two year old, in some she seems more like a seven year old and then we see the teen in her come via hormones and emotions. She is growing and developing physically. Strong and healthy. Emotionally and socially she is at a standstill. She is no where near her aged based peers and her grade level peers who once were so interested in the pretty girl from China have all moved light years ahead. As one teacher gently put it at her IEP....She is very immature, impulsive and annoys the kids around her. Those kids now avoid her.

Audrey is at a first-second grade reading level. Most of what she reads is memorized ...her comprehension is very little. Math is her strength and is at a second-3rd grade math level but can accomplish tasks at some higher grade levels. Most of this is not consistent. As her math teacher explained......" I can't get ideas across to her as simple as 0x0=0.....". She could do the problem....memorize it. With in days or if new information is given it would be gone.

Audrey scores on the Comprehensive Test for Non Verbal Intelligence put her in the Borderline to Low average range. Meaning her scores are not low enough on this test to qualify her for being considered Cognitively Impaired. Her score is 80. She is at the bottom of the Low average range. Average intelligence is considered 90-110.

In the Wechsler Intelligence Test for children her score was averaged at 67.6% (90-109 is within average) this test puts her in the extremely low range. Breaking this test down she is significantly impaired with her working memory and processing speed. Her working memory is .02. Meaning she preformed better than LESS than 1% (.02%) of children her age.

On her ELPA- (English proficiency tests) for her first two years she actually decreased in listening and reading. Her comprehension stayed the same with no growth. Writing and speaking were a very slight increase. Across the board she falls in the below average to significantly below average range.

On the Behavior assessment given to her teachers she is considered at Risk in her Adaptive skills. Areas she is "at risk" in are - adaptability, attention, functional communication, leadership, learning problems, social skills, study skills and withdrawal, and daily living.

As noted by her teachers and told at her IEP and on her reports Audrey needs one on one instruction to move forward. She is unable to work independently. When left to her self she becomes disruptive to other students, is restless, impulsive, gives up easily, distracted by her environment and has a short attention span. Teachers also noted she annoys other kids and is very immature.

All of her teachers who have had her in middle school class in addition to the school counselor agree that even when placed in a regular General Education with two teachers her placement is not appropriate and in general not a good fit for her situation because she need significant support.

So what are we to do with our child who has no prior knowledge to build a foundation of learning. Her mental file cabinet is empty. Statistically a child in her situation (low IQ) who has a strong foundation behind them ( with a bit higher working memory) could continue to grow and develop. Her scores in writing say she has the "potential" for growth. This prevents her from special education. The reality is she has been here for two and a half years, with one on one help from her previous ESL teacher, home support and tutoring to even get her where she is . If she is to stay in a Gen ED. class with 33 kids being taught 6th grade material she will never go anywhere. She will just stop. In fact, experience ( now we understand based on her working memory scores) now tells us with her that once she does not have consistent, repetitive practice in any area she looses the information fairly quickly. When given too much information for her to process she also shuts down. Her teachers have noted in class that she just goes blank.......we get that at home as well.

So WHAT are we to do......I'm mad........angry....disappointed there is no middle ground. There is a tidy box with many rules.....Our family does not fit in the box. Our daughter does not fit the criteria to get extra help.........She is excluded by culture. Excluded by circumstance, Excluded by language, Excluded by age. Excluded by her below average IQ.

I can't sleep at night...I lay awake for hours trying to figure out what we can do.....

We tried homeschooling her. I could again....except she lost her smile.

In addition if we want any services for her she needs to be in school full time.

Through it all she has no idea. She gets up everyday and looks forward to her school day, to playing with her "friends" at school. On Saturday she asks when it will be Monday so she can go to school again. The routine comforts her.

Am I wrong to think she deserves a fair and appropriate education that meets her needs? Is it wrong to want to see her placed in an environment she CAN grow in?

I am not looking for a miracle. I am looking for what is just and fair.

Next Steps:

We have an advocate for children with special needs through the ARC of Livingston County helping us. At this time we are considering an IEE (Independent Educational Evaluation) by a neuro-psychologist outside of our public school district. We feel there is significant evidence of Attention Deficit disorders along with her deficits in mental cognition that once diagnosed by a medical doctor could qualify her for services.

Stay tuned...this process will take months....In the mean time Audrey will be sitting in 6th grade classrooms and passed along...They can do that. That is legal. A for effort. She will most likely sit and do low level worksheets to fill her time. She will have to bring books from home as they do not have resources at her reading level. Currently her ELL teachers have to use online books we provide or drive to an elementary school to find books appropriate to read and do lessons in. I have a hard time imagining that the social studies, math and English teachers will find time in their day to do that as well. I won't even go into my feeling on the rest of the kids who are in the classes. Average kids like Abbie who have to work hard at school but can do well...unless the teacher has to put all of their time into kids like Audrey who are sitting in the back causing trouble. I feel bad for the child who sits next to her during class and can't focus because Audrey is singing softly to herself and drawing pictures of hearts and rainbows because she has no clue what is going on. I feel bad for the teachers who are already stretched in their classrooms. Most of all I feel bad that my child who thinks it's normal to sit in the back of the class and do nothing.

We have hope.....We have love and we have Audrey........so we will fight for what is right and not give in until we find an answer that fairly meets her needs or she passes through and graduates....What ever happens first........

That was the short version:)

WHY

I am trying to figure out the best way to document and paper trail what is going on here at our house. As normal, life with the Johnson's is full of chaos and busy days. I had thought maybe I would start journaling. Maybe find some great writing app and then I could journal via my phone at any time or place. Then it occurred to me - I have a place to journal. Audrey's blog. Based on the fact that I have not written since November of 2008, I am assuming this could be schetchy with consistency. I am going to give it a go and see what happens.

In addition to wanting to document what is going on, I also want an easy and effective way to share with you...our family and friends what is going on without retelling the same story over and over again. Grammar, Spelling and creative writing-not my forte but as most of you know I can get long winded in conversation. Soooo, I am really doing us all a favor by just writing it all out. You can decide what you want to read and for how long.

Thank you for all of those who have sent messages and calls of support. We welcome comments and feedback. We do not have all of the answers, nor do we know exactly what we are doing. I can tell you I am spending a considerable amount of time and energy researching and learning about the Special education rights and laws governing our state and country. We are trying to process this information as well as information on post institutionalized children and older internationally adopted children. At times it is a swirling whirling mass of confusion in my head....At times it is so clear it sickens me how simple it is .....And how unjust.

Several thing are important to know. Brian and I Love the elementary school our children attend. I am also completely happy with the middle school Ethan goes to.We feel fortunate to be a part of a community with teachers who are parents and have children in our schools. Educators who take the time to make the system "work" to the best of their ability and with the limited resources they have. I consider many of these educators my friends....I see, hear and know that so many of these teachers and educators in our district are doing what is right for my kids and those around us. WE would NOT change where we live or where our kids go to school. The things I write are not criticisms to the many teachers and staff who have worked with our children and especially Audrey. IF you are reading this and you are one of these people you know how grateful we are to you.

We are angry at the system. Maybe the government, the policy's set to protect some but not others. We are frustrated with the lack of knowledge, limited resources and for some in this district the lack of energy to do more than just look away. It should also be noted that this case...Audrey's case is new to everyone here. Thirteen year old post institutionalized, internationally adopted children are not the norm in Howell, MI. We understand the complexity of this situation and are sympathetic to the school dealing with us. We are just as stumped on how to deal with our beautiful daughter at times as the school is.

The difference is .....We are willing to work continuously to best meet her needs. We are not willing to pass her on and look the other way because it is easier. If we took their pass/fail approach we would end up with a fail...... She already had that. Abandoned at birth, ten years in an orphanage. How simple it would be to just "ignore" the issues she has. If we had done that we would still have a non English speaking, rude, out of control, loud, Chinese orphan. We don't...we have a beautiful and loving daughter who is a functional part of our family. We chose her. We chose to be her parents. We choose to fight for her right for a FAIR AND APPROPRIATE EDUCATION.

Our schools Mission statement is this: At HPS we commit all of our energy and resources in support of our students while they're with us so that they will shine in the world when they leave us.

As parents we want only to see our children grow to the best of their potential in all areas. We commit all of our energy and love in providing a safe and nurturing environment on their journey to adulthood. It is clear this journey is going to be more of a challenge with Audrey.

We chose this path......We ride this road as a family.........we will provide the best transportation we can on the crazy journey we call JOHNSON LIFE WITH CHAOS.

Words to remember........

Email It Link Favorite Print Send With Your Computer's Email Application Send With Scrapbook.com's Email System: TO: (Email addresses separated by commas or spaces) FROM: (Your email address) NOTE: You can log in to customize your email message and subject line. Sign Up Free | Login Close Tab Link to This Page Direct Link: http://www.scrapbook.com/quotes/doc/3895/56.html Close Tab Save to Your Scrapbook.com Favorites Add to your Favorite Resources at Scrapbook.com and access it whenever you want. Please log in to add to your Scrapbook.com Favorites. Sign Up Free | Login Bookmark to Your Browser or on the Web Add to your browser's favorites, Yahoo, Google, Facebook, Del.ico.us accounts and more! Click the image below. AddThis" width="125" height="16"> Close Tab Print This Page Print this from your own printer and access it for inspiration whenever and wherever you want. Who needs pricey magazines and idea books? Now you can create your own binder of resources on your own! Click here to print this page Close Tab "Our children are not ours because they share our genes... They are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night, is how love really works." -author unknown This child is worth the ride. We are on a ever so bumpy road with our sweet Audrey. A road so challenging it hurts when you hit the low and takes your breath away when you hit the high. Today we celebrate six months of life with Audrey. So much has changed and yet as I write this I am overcome with emotion not unlike the feelings I had just six months ago in China the day I met my beautiful daughter. No more to be said of the challenges we have faced with our strong willed daughter. I would rather focus on her strength. She is filled with determination like no other human I know. It is the cause of any friction between her and i and the very bit of her that has helped her to survive. Her skills come from long ago I'm sure. Protecting her inner self. Let me tell you this kid is FULL. Over flowing with sweetness and goodness. I love her in a fierce way for all she has to offer. I love her for the tough shell she hides under and for the softness she shows others everyday. We made no mistake in adopting again. We saw who she was and where she can go, we did not give up. We are so lucky to have her teach us about life. The six months are a blur. I really wish that I had more time to blog our home journey. It seems the hours of the day slip by and then the weeks and now months. I want to brag about how hard she works at school. Math is her strong point. Reading her challenge. She was delayed so much. Even after summer schooling we found her to be at a kindergarten level in most areas. We know she lacked in her education but we had no idea how much..... With the help of her incredible school and her teachers who care so much for her she has blossomed. We know she can do it but it will take time. We have been lucky enough to have the worlds greatest ELL teacher( you know who you are) for her in addition to the most caring of fourth grade teachers. Her teachers go ABOVE and Beyond the norm to find the best learning environment for her. We could not ask for a better school situation. Now we just need time for her to develop the skills to move forward. Socially we have an amazing girl. She has made friends so easily and really loves the girls around her. She has bonded now with all of her siblings and cares deeply for Zach. Trust me they have their moments but in general our kids have all figured out this crazy process of getting a new big sister from China. She is working on family dynamics still. Tattling on everyone and being VERY bossy is our biggest issue with her. She still wants to argue EVERYTHING with me in a rather loud voice. The crying fits still happen-rarely but they do- even this morning we had a rotten start. Me in my robe on the front porch sending her off to school crying. Her telling me " you bea mean giurl, you say me say sorry aldime, you say i not bea nice girl, you say........" and the you says when on.....very loud and very disrespectfully. What I did say was we need to work together , be nice, and you have to stop being mean to your sister. She has such a hard time taking responsibility for her actions.... All because she refused to apologize to Abbie after being really very mean to her. Her final words to me under her breathe as she left the house was you not my ma.........I not likea you. Yes it hurt- but not for long because I have the audacity to envision more for her. I KNOW she can give graciously, love unconditionally and trust fully. At 4:22 this afternoon I was greated with a smile and a hug and a nice long letter. "I love Abbie, you are a nice girl. I like you because you are a good sister. Mommy is nice , I sorry I mean sister today mommy . I love you mommy." I can only imageine her thoughts today........ she wants desperetly to succeed in this life of chaos we call THE JOHNSON FAMILY. I am so very proud to be her mommy. As always we give Thanks to God for the five blessings we call our children, the gift of birth and adoption and the curvy bumpy road we call LIFE..........

Eight weeks of life as Audrey HAiPing Johnson.....

I find that life with chaos does not completely describe our family anymore......I think Life gone wild could be more fitting for this phase in our lives.
If not for the LOVE of the children we (Brian and I both) would be completely insane..........Yes, I know some think we already are but I think Like any mental illness you never really see your own issues..HA Ha.Wow do we have issues!!!!
There is first the time factor...Hmmmm, Where does it go?
So here I am writing now after Eight weeks of Life with our Audrey Hai Ping. I had such great intentions of keeping up !
Part of the problem is that the kids and I decided to move to the lake for the summer. We have horrendous internet and phone connection. I am lucky to get a call out so we hope for calls in to be in touch! The internet is sometimes good and sometimes non existent.......Especially if my darling Chinese shadow is around!

Overall we could not ask for a better kid.......We love her deeply and know she is settling into life as a Johnson. Today for example she asked for Chocolate with such perfect English I knew she was meant to be ours!!
We do have our moments and sometimes I wonder if we will get through them. Our weekdays are good if we keep with a strong routine but once we move onto the weekend things fall apart.
It is hard for her to not know what to expect next. Weekends are crazy with company, late dinners and bedtimes. Typically she will turn on me and find the person we fondly call the weakest link......Usually the newest person who has not yet tired of her shadowing them. More than likely a pretty mama or auntie who likes to give in easily. Although both Mark and my brother Rob were targets over the weekend.
If I say no she runs to her new friend and gives me evil looks and disrespect.
I love that she finds friendship with all of our guests but I admit I am tired of the game and the disrespect. Jenni who has spent the most time with us here at the lake has proved to be the best of friends because she puts up with all of our ups and downs, takes a loving but firm approach and has the gentle art of "I said NO" to a perfection along with me. I am now not feeling so alone.
Even Brian after a week off of work for the fourth has now joined the bad guy club and joined the ranks of "NO" people.

Weekdays alone with Jen and the girls really are the best. Quiet almost in comparison to the weekends. Even with seven kids under one roof. We start our day with morning chores and then school time.It took her about a week here to get the chore thing.
Getting it means not wanting to do them, continuing to say "NO" while doing them and being mad at me the whole time but doing them just barely-
She now has figured out it is much easier to just get through the chores , do the school work with mama and then she is free for swimming.....Thank you LORD for water! A bath tub, lake or Pool is all I need as leverage. Well I admit the kitchen wooden spoon threat on the hiney now works well also but I REALLY do like to use the positive before resorting to the old wooden paddle trick! ( yes mom , I know I said I would NEVER be like you...but then I grew up and become a mother.......)

I know it sounds like a ton of negatives but it is all true. She is driving me crazy, wearing me out and creates a ton of work......So do my other kids each in their own way. I love it and would never have life any other way.
It's the smiles we see that tell us she loves life here with us. From ear to ear as she rides the wake on the giant tube with her sister and the boys. Jumping waves on the shores of Lake Michigan with Adrienne or playing babies with Alexa who she has fondly nicknamed LOTLOT. It could be the love we see as she gives baby Cayden gentle kisses and the hugs she readily gives her Grannies and Grandpas.
Sometimes I am wrong and this girls gentle heart is crushed as I accuse her of doing something or NOT doing something and then realize the conversation has been LOST IN TRANSLATION. I can tell you those times are the hardest for all of us...... when her heart breaks ours does as well and their have been days we have all been in tears.
It is amazing how much she "gets" and how much I "don't" at times. I give her credit for the patience she has for us as parents. This kiddo is strong. The shell is melting slowly and the soft inside full or love and compassion is coming out.
School will be the best thing for her. Knowing what will happen next and having daily structure are a must.
Back to the time issue....Forth of July is over and I always feel like half the summer has come and gone at this point! I am happy we have almost eight more weeks before the end of the summer and I can't wait to see how much more she changes.

So much more and never enough computer time these days....
More later on Wild Lake life with the Johnsons-

And the chaos begins-

It seems it never really stopped but we are happily back in it and having a hard time catching up after our time in China. It has been a fast ride these last few days and Hai Ping is hanging on! Brian and I are still a bit dazed and confused with our jet lag .The girls have us beat hands down and have made the transition into life here just fine while we continue to struggle with being so tired-

Hai Ping is doing amazingly well.
We were greeted Friday afternoon with huge hugs from our boys, parents and great friends Mark, Jenni and their girls. It was so wonderful have my boys in my arms again and I cannot believe we were away so long......... The hour ride back to Howell was fun. Hai Ping and Ethan got along immediately .
They have similar humor and he was cracking her up!

Zach is a different story.......she looks at him with disgust.I know it is a cultural and orphanage behavior. Even some adults in China Wondered why we would want a "damaged boy". There is no way to explain of course the love we have for him or how little his handicap means to us. In our eyes he is the perfect little Chinese boy and having one leg makes him all the better.
Hai Ping clearly does not share the same view as us and I can see this will take some time. My heart hurts for our little Chinese boy who is so excited to have a China sister home. His first words were "see you have black hair like me and brown eyes....." She said "NO " and gave him a mean look and walked away.....
Once home we had an awesome dinner, cake, decorations and all in all the greatest family night ! We have been dreaming of this night for so long!!! Thank you Ellen, Andy and Wendy for making our first night at home more than we had hoped it would be!!!!! Hai ping was the star and once she recovered from all of the smiling faces staring at her including Ethan'
s friends who popped in for a quick visit she warmed up and found she really liked the attention .
She had gifts to open. Which she had no idea what to do with. She would take the box and say Thank you and she thought the box was the gift! She soon learned there was more inside and now has an American girl doll, a beautiful bracelet and a trip to Claire's to get her ears pierced to prove it!
By the end of the night she was sitting on Uncle Andy's lap to pose for pictures and had Grandpa wrapped around her finger!
She hopped on Ethan's bike showing us she can ride a two wheeler and was so proud when we all clapped and encouraged her! She loved her room she shares with her sister.
Bedtime brought cuddles and big smiles. She happily picked new jammies out of her drawer and took her new doll to bed with her .
Saturday we let the kids play and hang out. Hai Ping soon met all of the neighborhood kids who had been patiently waiting for her to arrive home.By Saturday afternoon we had ten kids in the yard playing and she was loving it! Abbie, Hai Ping and I left to get her a new bike and some roller blades. She is in heaven with her own bike and can really ride fast. By this time she is pretty pumped up and acting really crazy.We had to stop at the outlet mall to look for a dress or skirt that would fit her for church On Sunday- She was so wired and had been continually pulling on me, bending my hand back, climbing on me and in general acting like a two year old. Now I am adding this because I want to remember all of this and our whole purpose of this blog is to have it as a journal to look back on. I am not adding the negative because we want to scare anyone away form older adoption . Although I admit at this point I was having one of those - Oh my! what have I gotten myself into moments.......I have a ten year old kid literally acting like a two year old. I can not communicate with her and she is a wild child in the store. I admit, vainly I hoped no one would think I was a rotten parent and prayed that people would realize our situation. Had one of my other children been acting this way I would have left the store, swatted their behind and taken a privilege away.....Hurdle One- I can't swat her bum, She does not understand my language, reasoning is tough at this stage.... and she just got here I want her to trust me, enjoy her freedoms here and feel like she can be herself with us...........
Parenting ruled over the soft feelings, I could only take my arm being bent back for so long, When she started to try to pull my pants down in the middle of the Kids Gap and laughing so loud while running away and knocking small children down all of my senses came back to me and one quick "grab" of her wrist and my oh your in deep -----------look came out she "knew " where I was coming from! We had a little talk about behavior in the store which I am sure was great entertainment for all watching as I hand motioned pulling pants down-not ok, running in store , not ok- using a loud voice inside, not ok.................We went home and I napped.......

I feel like I am slightly post partum...I know it's only jet lag but yikes!

Sunday was great and our only hurdle was getting through a quiet sermon with a loud girl speaking Cantonese....She does not care to sit "quietly" and will let me know when she is bored with notes written in Chinese (I really need to have this one translated because I'm sure it is nothing nice the way it was handed over with her tongue sticking out as it was passed to me!)
I was ready for our service to be over when she started to smoke her bulletin. Yes she was pretending her Sunday bulletin was a cigarette and wow did she think that was funny! Tom our pastor talked on about GRACE and I realized this service was marked for me as I knew only with the GRACE of GOD would WE have the patience to parent our five children.
And yes , Although I give the real story here I have to tell you it's all with the a good heart. All of these things were to be expected adopting and older child. We knew what we were getting into -
So as that service ended and I looked at my daughter who seems to blending very nice with our kids and our life. No doubt she will make me CRAZY at some point. They all do but I felt overjoyed with love for her. Thankful still she was our daughter and grateful for the opportunity to have her safely home with us. Our first weekend home a success!