Letter to my Daughter- |
My dear Hai Ping.
Three years ago this week I became your mother. At least on paper because I believe God had you planned in my heart long before.
You challenge me my dear. You challenge my mind, my spirit and my patience in every way almost everyday. Without you there would hardly be a me. For you have taught me more about love and myself in three years than in my full life before you. You have touched others with your determination and will to learn. You have touched the core of my being.
In you I see strength beyond my vocabulary. I do not know how to share the depth that you hold nor the skill to uncover it.
I sometimes think about all you have been denied in your thirteen years....All you have been shorted....I think how tiring it must be for you day after day trying to keep up with the pace of our lives. I see you diligently working to make up for lost time. I cry in joy and in fear when I think how innocent you are even after all you have seen.
I have never as a woman admired another more....In time you have shared things with me in a mother daughter way about your life before...How grateful I am your walls slowly come down and you tell me all that has happened. Everything you know is so far from what a young girl should. The physical and emotional pain that hardened you along the way overwhelm my heart with just the words and yet all before the age of ten you lived these things in your day.
I so innocently believed all they told us about the beautiful baby left behind. How silly of me to think it was just that simple. No, Your story holds much deeper loss because you remember parents leaving you behind. Memories that run through your head fill me with such pain and loss. I can't imagine the hole it leaves in your sweet child heart. La Sa Poe a girl in the trash you were once thought to be......Your birth mother never knew the treasure she was leaving for me.
I am disappointed in myself. My heart holds true love for you. There is no question nor could there ever be about that. However, I admit I don't know how to parent you most of the time. All of my children present me with challenges. Without them you would not be the beautiful people you are. With you.... comes more specific challenges.....
I hope someday you will understand somehow....
I pray you will feel the love I hold for you and have some concept of how much I want to be the best mom to you I can. I hope you see how I am learning to grow with you ....learning together to face the challenges.
I have learned that all love is not perfect. You have taught me that love does not mean change but acceptance. You have taught me that love can be patient and kind but it does not come easily....You have taught me that real love...even in a child can and does take work.
I feel deeply....I hurt easily....Most days you see the mom in me who loves you through homework help, teaching you boundaries, and helping you grown into the beautiful young women you are becoming. This Day I want you to know, I hide under the everyday lessons and mom position I hold. Daughter you touch my soul. I have cried more for you, wept over your pain, have been angered by limitations put on you and fought with passion for your rights. I feel Fierce love for you my brown eyed girl.
So when I am at a loss on how to deal with your blank stare...when I still do not understand the words you try to speak, when my patience is lost on how to understand your needs. Please forgive me and know how much I truly care.
Things are more different than I ever imagined. It did not matter how many books I read on how to best be your mom. There is no blog I have found with a story like our own. There is no parenting class that fits our unique needs and no class room for a girl like you.
This last year has taught me the most.... I thought If only I could catch you up. Put you in clothes that other girls wear your age......surround you with teen age things...Everything would be fine. If only I could get you to fit the mold of what i think normal is than everything would be ok.
I see now that there is no normal.
You will always feel more comfortable with a coat on because you feel safe inside....so many years with out hugs you still find comfort in the weight of your coat. I promise you this year I will give you hugs and let you wear that coat! I promise I will remember why you protect yourself with it instead of going crazy because it does not mach the social situation or the temperature.
I promise to look the other way when it comes to clothing.....I find it so utterly frustrating after three years you still have no idea what to wear on a daily basis. The boundaries of appropriate attire may never be something you understand. How could you when you wore dirty clothes shared by many and never fit at any time. I will try to embrace your difference and lesson my expectations on what i think is important in what is on your body and focus more on the soothing the heart that you hold inside. .
I have realized that I wanted to fight for your education rights because I want to make up for all you have lost out on....all you have missed...all you deserved. By Fighting i was doing...It felt tangible and solid, If I had the books and papers and research than I could once again make a change. I can't control where you have been or what you have lived.... but if I could control this and change it than I felt I was making up for the things that have hurt you so deeply in the past.
I still feel anger at our system for setting limitations on children like you who had no option at a education. I feel angry that our government has set such limitations on an uneducated Chinese Orphan who came to this country adopted by a tax paying law abiding family. You have educational limitations in our public school system because the federal law does not see the beauty in your face your mind and your soul. They have forgotten a child and in all of the rules and regulations. They have limited and discriminated against you because you were born in another country, with little education and no English. They have left you behind with few options because we don't fit into a perfectly square box.
I know now that the fight for more rights for kids like you must continue but at this time our own fight is just to get through sixth grade math. I have learned through you that baby steps are not so bad and small gains bring big rewards. You teach me everyday that diligence pays off and hard work shows progress. That giving in does not mean giving up. I have learned that I can not make up for you past ....I can not change who you are.....I can not fear what could happen because of what has not happened in your thirteen years.
You are my girl......I pray for you to feel love deeply, open your soul to happiness, feel strong and confident enough to let it shine on your face. I pray for you that you always know the love I hold for you.
I worry about tomorrow and what the future holds for you. I worry I can not do enough for you at times....I worry you will never know how good and beautiful you are.
My dear Zhu Hai Ping. I am so thankful you are my daughter. I am so proud of how hard you work. I am so filled with love at the gift of being your mom. I am grateful that God had the Grace to share your beauty with me. I am thankful that you help teach me about the journey of love each and every day in so many ways........
I love you with all of my heart-
Your forever mom
